If you’ve been around the blog for a while, you know I have a tendency to be into some unconventional shit. (That sounds a lot sketchier than I mean it. Just, you know, some less ~mainstream~ things) Early last year, this landed me on what I like to call “Spooky Jess”. Spooky Jess spends her time watching ghost hunting shows and trying to convince her friends to go on ghost tours – keeping in mind here that my biggest fear is legitimately ghosts so how any of that makes sense, I will never know. Spooky Jess is also super into all of the witchy business like crystals, full moon rituals and most prominently, tarot pick a card videos on YouTube.
I’m not kidding when I say I spent a solid half of my summer last year watching tarot pick a card readings. I just found them so interesting. I mean, I was also at a point in my life where I had no clear direction, so watching a video that told me everything was going to be okay brought me some solace. I’ve also convinced myself several times that I have a secret admirer, because I keep watching “Does Your Crush Like You” videos, and he definitely does even though I really don’t have a crush. I could talk about YouTube tarot all day, but that isn’t the point of today’s post! No, today, we’re talking about the fact that these videos stopped doing it for me so I went and got a deck of my own!
So there’s this guy, right? He’s a musician. You know him from open mics, and other gigs he does around town. He’s impossibly talented, and the most charming person you’ve ever witnessed. He’s gorgeous – but not in a “I try so hard on my look” kind of way, but sort of accidentally. Let’s call it a happy little accident.
If you’ve been around my blog for a minute, you know of my hate-turned-love relationship with journal writing. A couple months ago, I even wrote a post about the experience of writing my First 100 Pages. Moral of that story: I’m a big fan.
But last night I could not, for the life of me, think of anything to write about. Now that the holidays have come and gone, and seemingly so did all my brain functionality (did you know it’s Thursday right now? Doesn’t it feel like Monday?), I just couldn’t get it together. And honestly, there was so much emotion and stress in December that the last thing I want to do right now is write about anything serious. So, instead of that – I put together a list of light-weight, slightly strange writing prompts for the month. And today I thought I’d share that list with you guys – because let’s be real, we’re all in the same boat here! So lets jump into it!
It’s here! It’s finally here! The last day of 2019 – the last day of the DECADE!
I, for one, can’t believe.
The 2010s were a wild ride, man. I graduated University, moved provinces (twice), changed careers (twice), and – most importantly – got a dog. But above all of that, the 2010s gave us bops. Jams. Bangers. Whatever the kids call them these days. My friends call me a variety of music related things – DJ Jazzy Jess, Jukebox Jess… to name a few. I am (in my friend group) the go-to music person. This is a bit strange if I’m honest because I have no musical talent whatsoever, and solid heap of my friends are musicians. But that’s besides the point. What I’m trying to say is – I’ve got some playlist cred. So, whether you are looking for some playlist inspo for your New Years Party this evening, or just want a fun reminder of all the fist-pumping party anthems of the early 2010s – here is my list of my top ten favourite popular songs from each of the last ten years. Of course, this is all just for fun. I am definitely not an expert.
I always thought I wanted stability. A stable career, stable relationships – a stable life. But, thinking about this earlier (in the shower – you know, where all the best thoughts emerge), stability is not at all what I want. The stable life that I’ve been trying to manifest would not, in practicality, fulfill me at all. I should have known this all along, really (Sagittarius squad, what’s up). But it’s what I thought I wanted – stability, as I imagined it, would be the thing that eased my anxiety. All this time spent trying to manifest stability, and not once did I really sit down and think about it.
And Ten Other Things That Are Getting Me Through This December
Hi, everyone. My name is Jess and I am an Marshmallow Santa addict. There is just something about those cheap, dark chocolate covered marshmallow blobs that bear absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the advertised shape of a Santa that I really cannot get enough of. Seriously. I’ve had one every day this December, and some days (ahem, today) I’ve had several. Is it the worst problem to be encountering this month? Definitely not. Really, when you think about it, December is arguably the most stressful month of the year. So if I want to consume more marshmallow than vegetables, what are you gonna do about it? Self care, man! (Except absolutely not at all. Please Future Jess, eat some damn vegetables)
Now, no one panic. Today’s post is not going to be about all the nutrients that I am most definitely lacking right now (I’ll save that for January) – instead, I want to look at ten other (arguably healthier) things that have been helping me get through this month.
2019, man. What a journey. At it’s best, it was a year of incredible self discovery – a year of reinvention, of returning to my roots, and re-prioritizing what is important to me. At it’s worst, it was a whole heap of agonizing life-changing decisions, soul crushing job searching, and pretty solidly some of my lowest depressions I’ve ever gone through. (What a fun and uplifting way to start this post!) Good news – I’m not here to dwell on that (I did that a couple weeks ago). Nope. Today, I’m looking ahead. It’s 2020 time, baby! This post is going to be a run-down of the six things that I’m going to be doing next year to make sure I’m the version of me that I want to be – the me I lost track of over the past couple years. Sound good? Let’s go, then!
Happy Birthday to me! I’m presently eating candy for breakfast like the grown ass woman I am. And as I sit here, I’m reflecting on the last year of my life, remembering how tough it was on me. It was one of the most trying years I’ve ever had. It was filled with some of the darkest times – the most gut wrenching and hopeless – that I’ve ever gone through. I’ve made several difficult and life changing decisions. I’ve also made some of my biggest mistakes and some of my biggest fears were realized. But as I sit here now, I’m wondering to myself – do I give a shit about all that? Is any of that worth the energetic toll to keep carrying it around with me?
To say that how I’m feeling right now is shocking is an understatement. I’ve always been one of those people that carry their hurt around like a personality trait. “I’m not good enough because X person said this about me in 2004”, or “Karma is going to catch up to me for X mistake so it’s best that I don’t get my hopes up”. Not that I’m overly open about this, mind you. This, like all of our most positive and reaffirming thoughts, solely comes out in conversations only with myself. A self that I’ve been trying really hard lately to heal – and I think today is a breakthrough in that.
I don’t give a shit anymore about the experiences of hurt that I’ve had in the past 29 years. I don’t give a shit about the word for word, detail for detail, re-enactments of those moments that I’ve been playing out in my head for so long – sorry but those recordings are burnt out.
Here’s the thing – I have anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and more often than I like to admit, these two mix together and create a nice little cocktail called depression (starting today’s post off on a fun note here). Over the years, I’ve found myself looking up different approaches to dealing with these which has always led me to some variety of “self care”.
Now, for me, I’ve always taken self care tips with a grain of salt. Especially as “self care” has become more of a mainstream activity, and it seems as though people are using it almost as an excuse for any behaviours outside of their normal. Which to be fair could stem from me having used it to justify eating too many red velvet cupcakes, and also the six step skin care routine I dropped several hundred dollars on at Sephora last year. Did either of these things better my mental health? Definitely not. Could they for others – maybe.
Self care is incredibly important to me – despite what you are probably thinking after that last paragraph – when done in the true essence of self care. This being to set time aside to sit with yourself, process your emotions and thoughts, and spending time doing things that serve you. For me this means meditating twice a day and filling in my eyebrows, but for others it can mean a wide gamut of things – bubble baths, shaving your legs, watching a marathon on Netflix while drinking a bottle of rosé, what have you. Debatably, the most common form of self care out there (if we’re going off Pinterest tips here) is journaling. Which you’d think I’d be all over, considering the fact that I blog now, and it is practically the exact definition of what I said self care is at the top of this paragraph. But, no. I’ve always thought journaling was a crock of shit.
That was, of course, until I bought a journal a couple months ago.
We all know the saying “time heals all”. And this might be true with, say, a broken heart or a busted leg. But have you ever been so embarrassed that changed who you are as a person? That shit stays with you, man.
While I was at work earlier, the radio was playing – innocently enough – the 2002 Matchbox 20 classic “Unwell”. Let me tell you, that song was my jam. This is saying a lot as we all know that 2002-2004 had some of the best music of all time (okay, I may be the only one who thinks that). Unfortunately now, it makes me think back to one of the most ill advised decisions I’ve ever made – joining a singing competition.