Twenty Nine

Happy Birthday to me! I’m presently eating candy for breakfast like the grown ass woman I am. And as I sit here, I’m reflecting on the last year of my life, remembering how tough it was on me. It was one of the most trying years I’ve ever had. It was filled with some of the darkest times – the most gut wrenching and hopeless – that I’ve ever gone through. I’ve made several difficult and life changing decisions. I’ve also made some of my biggest mistakes and some of my biggest fears were realized. But as I sit here now, I’m wondering to myself – do I give a shit about all that? Is any of that worth the energetic toll to keep carrying it around with me?

To say that how I’m feeling right now is shocking is an understatement. I’ve always been one of those people that carry their hurt around like a personality trait. “I’m not good enough because X person said this about me in 2004”, or “Karma is going to catch up to me for X mistake so it’s best that I don’t get my hopes up”. Not that I’m overly open about this, mind you. This, like all of our most positive and reaffirming thoughts, solely comes out in conversations only with myself. A self that I’ve been trying really hard lately to heal – and I think today is a breakthrough in that.

I don’t give a shit anymore about the experiences of hurt that I’ve had in the past 29 years. I don’t give a shit about the word for word, detail for detail, re-enactments of those moments that I’ve been playing out in my head for so long – sorry but those recordings are burnt out.

What I do care about is the lessons that these moments have taught me. I care about taking responsibility for my own actions in these scenarios and forgiving myself for them. And for situations that I had no action in, I take responsibility for allowing them to affect me for so long, and forgiving myself for that. Because really, forgiving ourselves is the most important part in all of this.

I can no longer live expecting to receive some life altering, heartfelt and pure-intentioned apology from people that have hurt me. Because, for the most part, they will never be able to fully grasp the affect they’ve had on me. All I can do is forgive myself for letting it impact me for the length of time that it did.

No more waiting for apologies that will never come. Who the hell has time to let their lives pass by while they live in a mind frame of hurt, anyway? No one. Not me. Because there is so much love, so much joy and so much purpose to be found when you’re living in the present, without drowning in the feelings of the past.

Instead of living in the hurt, the narrative has to change. Instead of resentment, hold gratitude. Because without these hurtful moments, who knows the kind of entitled asshole I’d be right now. Without the mistakes that have caused me to have so much guilt, how would I know the situations I want to avoid?

Without the dark, there is no light.

There was a quote from Princess Leia about this that I wish I could remember right now… I’ll google it later.

I am endlessly grateful for the people along my path that have hurt me somewhere along the line, or have aided me in making my biggest mistakes. I am grateful to them for showing me the person I am not. The person I strive to never be. I’m grateful that these experiences came along early enough in my life, so I can go through the rest of it knowing that I will never have to be there again.

I am thankful. Because throughout all this, I remembered who I am.

So going into my 29th year – I don’t give a shit. I am stronger now than I’ve ever given myself credit for. I am not going to doubt myself based on what others have said about me, and I’m going to use my talents as fully as I can despite what I’ve been led to believe for so long. I am going to understand my worth, despite my mistakes.

I go into this year fully understanding life is dichotomy of light and dark. That without one there isn’t the other. Without hurt, there is no happy. Without mistake there is no good. How we live out this balance is our choice. It is our responsibility to ourselves to ensure we are not living in either side too overwhelmingly. And it is our responsibility – most of all – that regardless of which side we’re on currently, we treat ourselves (and others) with love. With acceptance. And with gratitude.

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